RIGHT ROYAL HAPPY RETURNS!

LET’S all stand up and raise a glass to our gracious Queen Elizabeth (“Gawd bless her!”) on the occasion of her second birthday in two months. 

Yes, today our marvellous monarch once again celebrates her “official” birthday (as opposed to her “unofficial” one in April, which happened to be her real one). 

Anti-Royalists (“Orf with their heads!”) regard this as a ridiculous ritual, just an excuse to dress up and sit on a horse for the morning. And after all, doesn’t Ma’am get enough pressies on state visits? 

 

 

It beats me why she carries on, what with all the embarrassment caused by her kids, who seem to be on permanent holidays (when they’re not filing for divorce or living their soap opera lives in the tabloids). 

If Her Majesty abdicated, she’d no longer have to leave Scotland, dance with all those foreigners with funny names, sit through the dreadful Royal Variety Show or go to the opera and be forced to listen to large Italian tenors. 

But then she’d have to give up the most comfortable state apartments (there’s no palace like home), Raine Spencer would become Queen Mother and - worst of all - she’d no longer have two birthdays! 

By my reckoning, our Queen has had 80 birthdays since succeeding to the throne, making her now 106. I wonder if she remembered to send herself a telegram?    

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CHOCS AWAY…

THOSE wacky Rocky Horror Show fans took the hump when staff at the Derngate stopped some of them taking water pistols into performances at the Northampton theatre this week.

 

The ban was sensibly imposed to protect cast members from over-enthusiastic audiences. At their recent show in Manchester one actor was apparently hurt by a flying Kit Kat. 

Hurled from the balcony, its speed on impact was estimated at 60mph and almost took the poor chap’s eye out. Lucky it wasn’t a Mars bar, I say…

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SUMMIT’S JUST A 

WASTE OF ENERGY

THE way those whingeing eco-freaks have been prattling on about the Mother Earth Summit is enough to turn a man yellow, let alone green. 

Already a rainforest has been used up hyping an event richer countries plainly prefer to ignore - and enough hot air generated to burn another hole in the ozone layer! 

Shouldn’t they be conserving all that wasted energy? 

(This column was originally published in the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph on Saturday, 6 June, 1992).