The column they would not let you read!

 

 

 

 

I’M GONNA SIT RIGHT DOWN

 AND WRITE MYSELF A LETTER!

 

 

This controversial column from 1991 took the form of a spoof reader’s letter after a number of complaints were published in the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph about previous Smith on Saturdays (but I had not been granted a right of reply). It was due for publication on Saturday, 11 May, 1991, but was removed at the 11th hour for fear of upsetting even more readers. Here, for the first time, is the column you were not allowed to read over 30 years ago!

Dear Sir, 

Might I add my voice to the many recent letters complaining about the so-called “humorous” column you laughingly call Smith on Saturday? I’ve never read so much utter tripe in all my life! 

Like many intelligent and sophisticated people, I happen to adore the opera (especially the murders) and my wife watched every World Cup match - even the ones featuring those nasty Argentinians. 

I grant you Mr Pavarotti is a little on the heavy side, but for Mr Smith to state that “his belly and backside have got different postcodes” is not only unnecessary but hitting below the belt! 

 

Mr Smith’s comments about Cliff Richard were also both insulting and offensive. My wife and I are big fans of Mr Richard and go to church every Sunday. We each have a copy of "Mistletoe and Wine” whilst his classic rendition of “Congratulations” - surely one of the best songs ever recorded - is always on our gramophone. 

Mr Smith is also very fond of calling people of a certain age “senile.” For his information, I - and many of my friends - have been senile for many years and there’s nothing remotely funny about it

Call me old-fashioned, but in my day newspaper columnists had more respect for their elders and betters. If Mr Smith hasn’t got anything nice to say about someone, he should not say it at all. 

 

 

 

 

I am flabbergasted that you continue to employ a person who dares to voice his own opinion, particularly when he disagrees with all right-thinking members of society. Hitler would never have allowed it, you know! 

If you ask me, men with beards are shifty and cannot be trusted. In my opinion, they should be hung, drawn and quartered. On second thoughts, hanging is too good for them - castration is more like it. 

I gave my life in two world wars for the likes of Mr Smith. A spell in the Army would soon wake his ideas up, or at least a damned good flogging. People like him are not too old to take a belt to.

 

 

  

 

Please don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the modern humour and there’s nothing my wife and I like better than a jolly good laugh. We’ve never missed an episode of “Terry and June” and my good lady adores “Never The Twain.” Mr Smith could learn a lot from a true comic genius like Windsor Davies or Les Dennis. 

There’s nothing wrong with constructive criticism, but Mr Smith’s snide and abusive remarks are not remotely witty. He should only write about things he knows about - nothing. 

yours disgustedly 

Major Pratt (retired) 

Raunds 

P.S. Of course, I’ve never actually seen Smith on Saturday myself - I would never stoop so low - but the nurse on our ward sometimes reads it out to help us go to sleep.