In search of the Christmas spirit!

IN SEARCH OF THE 

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!

AS THE season of bingeing, bickering and “Bah, humbug!” gallops towards its chaotic climax, everything is now prepared for the Big Day. 

The decorations have been up since the beginning of November and the little silver Christmas tree is laden with those lights, baubles and fairies that weren’t smashed during last year’s New Year’s Eve party. 

There’s a Merry Xmas sign on the front door just under the plastic Santa you bought from Woolies four years ago, but now looks more like the Elephant Man. 

A keg of bitter is warming nicely in the corner of the kitchen and there’s some sparkling wine in the fridge, when the whole family can look forward to the now traditional Christmas Day rows.

 

 

These arguments are usually about (a) when to open the presents or have lunch (b) over-passionate kisses under the mistletoe with the next-door neighbour, or (c) one of the kids throwing up after eating the entire contents of a selection box by 9am. 

Of course you could always rustle a copy of Socialist Worker during the Queen’s Speech, pull a cracker just as mum is pouring the brandy sauce on her pud, or beat the children mercilessly at Junior Trivial Pursuit (tee-hee). 

And if that fails, you could try turning off the TV for five minutes or telling a five-year-old he’s too old to believe in Santa Claus (just joshing, folks, of course he’s real). 

Merry Christmas everybody - catch you next year!

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EAR’S JOHNNY!

A FORMER nurse in Texas is making and marketing the world’s first “condom earrings” (at 12 dollars a pair!). I can only assume anyone mad enough to buy this “wear and share” junk jewellery must look so ridiculous that they would discourage any sexual contact whatsoever!

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CLAUS FOR CONCERN!

AFTER last week’s piece about festive loonies who dress up as Santa, imagine my horror that same evening when I found myself trapped in a packed pub with a dozen of them. Was this not a classic case of claustrophobia?

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(This column was originally published in the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph on Saturday, 19 December, 1992)