Why we're so single-minded!

WHY WE’RE SO SINGLE-MINDED!

 

AT LAST! The image of single people as all lonely and low-paid misfits living on junk food has been kicked firmly into touch by a new survey out this week. 

One in four households in Britain now consist of solos who find living alone singularly more enjoyable. They have a better standard of living, more exotic holidays and a healthier diet than the average family. 

There was a time when you could spot a bachelor pad by the grey bed sheets, a rubbish bin overflowing with takeaway curry containers, and two dirty glasses and a promotional coffee mug permanently in the sink. 

 

Couples automatically assume we single chaps cannot cope with cooking, cleaning and other chores, and must lead sad and selfish lives pining for a “good woman” to look after us (and our bank accounts). 

They imagine we only own two place settings (unmatched) and an empty fridge, except for a six-pack of supermarket beer, a slab of mouldy cheese and half a ton of taramasalata.

They cannot comprehend that some folk actually prefer their own company and relish the freedom to cut their toenails in the living room or sit naked in front of the box drinking crates of real ale and passing wind very loudly (should we so choose). 

 

 SPLENDID ISOLATION

 

Smith on Saturday has lived in splendid isolation for 12 years now. Nobody tells me off for leaving the top off the toothpaste or hairs in the sink. And there’s never any argument over which TV show to watch. 

I don’t need to buy a dog to go to the pub, no-one nags me to put up those shelves - and I’ve never heard the phrase: “I’ve got a headache”! 

Okay, so the oven wants cleaning, the whole house needs redecorating and there’s three years’ worth of empty wine bottles in the understairs, but I can live with that!

________________________________________________________________________________

ARE THEY GOING BANANAS?

BARMY watchdogs from the Commission for Racial Equality want to ban a TV advert showing animated apes eating bananas because they say viewers will associate them with black people. 

I reckon the CRE themselves should be reported as racists for even daring to suggest such a thing!

 ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TOYING WITH OUR MONEY

Now those yo-yos Tweedledum and Tweedledee (PM John Major and his chancellor Norman Lamont) have finished playing Monopoly with our money, bankrupt Britain is now the laughing stock of Europe.

Why don’t they just call in the Official Receiver and be done with it?

____________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(This column was originally published in the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph on Saturday, 19 September, 1992)