LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

THAT sleaze queen Madonna is set to inflict her latest “private” fantasies on the world in a blatant book which could net the peroxide pop star a cool £10m. 

Over 128 glossy pages, she appears virtually naked (or in bondage gear) in public places with a variety of whips and sex toys plus a supporting cast which includes bare-breasted lesbian skinheads. 

Amid the massive hype, the “much misunderstood” Material Girl made a pathetic attempt this week to justify this soft porn trash by claiming the pictures will help insecure readers come to terms with their sexuality. 

Even more laughable was the mock outrage by the popular press, which played right into the princess of publicity’s hands by printing "Baby Doll” pictures of the topless temptress chewing a blade of grass! 

Critics claim the book - simply titled “Sex” - will warp the minds of impressionable young female fans. After all, was this not the wicked woman who corrupted cute little Kylie, who tried to copy her salacious stage act? 

The only danger Madonna poses is taking someone’s eye out with her conical bra. And the only obscenity is  the sordid peddling of a publication (at £25 a copy), touted by the tabloids as “the dirtiest coffee table book ever published”!

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I’VE FOUND FAME AT LAST!

THIS humble column is set to appear on a collage of nationwide press clippings for a new British Safety Council poster promoting “safe sex.” 

It seems Smith on Saturday’s comments about National Condom Week caught somebody’s eye - or perhaps they they thought the sight of Smithy’s beaming physog on this column was enough to put people off sex for life?

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MINISTER MELLOR’S OWN GOAL

THE so-called Minister of Fun certainly lived up to his name if this week’s claims about David Mellor making love in a Chelsea football strip are true. 

Personally I don’t believe a word of it. Not even Chelsea could score  wearing that kit last season.

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KILLING OFF MORE

 SCHOOLBOY HEROES

CRIKEY, chaps! Following my piece on the axing of Lord Snooty from the Beano, those bounders at the BBC have banned Billy Bunter because they say the Fat Owl is not only stoutest but racist! 

Even the Famous Five books have now been swept clean of snobbery, sexism and subversion. Pssst - wanna  buy some uncensored Enid Blyton, guv?

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(This column was originally published in the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph 

on Saturday, 12 September, 1992)