K is for keeping up (with the Joneses)

 

 

K IS FOR KEEPING UP

(WITH THE JONESES)

 

IT’S August 1 - D-Day for all those business types and auto snobs who can afford to replace their precious cars with the new K-registered versions. 

As a former boy racer who still drives an E-reg guided missile, this is one Smith who quit keeping up with the Joneses years ago - at considerable cost to the value of my own vehicle, of course! 

Yet despite the recession, some buyers will queue up to be the first on their block with the latest model (the only difference from the “old” model being the awful new colour or an updated stereo system). 

Speed freaks will opt for sporty hatchbacks that belch out clouds of choking exhaust fumes as they are hammered up to 90mph in the bus lane (usually by joyriders). 

 

Wimps wearing trilbies and car coats may prefer something more homely - some small family saloon in which they can chug along and admire the view at the head of a five-mile tailback. 

Trendy young couples, meanwhile, usually only drive foreign cars which resemble sardine cans on wheels but are fitted with catalytic converters. 

Hard-core auto enthusiasts, however, always plump for motors that rarely move at all, but spend most of their lives on bricks in the front garden. 

New-model madness means nothing to them. As long as their motor has a large rear window ledge to accommodate to the fluffy dice and a nodding dog with eyes that light up when the vehicle brakes, they are quite happy

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JACKO’S BONES OF CONTENTION 

WHETHER 'Wacko Jacko’ has a hole in his nose, one cheek higher than the other, a sagging chin or two heads and a tail is neither here nor there. 

But you can be certain that Michael Jackson’s decision to sue the Daily Mirror for libel will not have harmed ticket sales for this week’s British concerts as curious fans queued up to judge for themselves. 

I pity any jury that has to take a close look at the so-called “shy” star’s face and decide whether he is “hideously disfigured” as described in the newspaper. But at least they won’t have to listen to his music!

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NO, WE ARE NOT BEING SERVED

RUDE, ignorant and unhelpful shop assistants topped the gripe league in the National Consumer Council’s “Are you being served?” Poll this week. 

What annoys me are schoolgirl Saturday staff who look daggers at you if you interrupt their boyfriend talk to ask a question (which they can never answer anyway). 

But worst of all are those vultures in shoe shops who pounce the second you step through the door to ask if they can help you when you’ve plainly not had a chance to see what they have on sale!

(This column was originally published in the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph on Saturday, 1 August, 1992