THE WORST IS YET TO COME!

As another year draws to a close, Smith on Saturday gazes into his crystal ball to see what’s in store for 1991. 

January: Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein pulls out of Kuwait and invades the Isle of Wight instead. PM John Major announces record mortgage rate of 19%. Ken Dodd and his Diddymen guest on Gazza’s cover version of his chart-topping hit “Tears." 

February: The UN pass a motion telling Saddam Hussein he was "very naughty." Sky TV announces a merger with HTV. The Sun calls for Graham Taylor to quit after England only beat the Cameroons 5-0 at Wembley. Robbo plays the second half on crutches and Gazza is unavailable due to panto commitments. 

 

 

THATCHER - new job as traffic warden!

March: Saddam Hussein refuses to release hostages from the Shanklin & District WI until Britain says “please" nicely. Mortgage rate rises to 21%. Mrs Thatcher begins a new job as traffic warden. Gazza gets his own TV chat show. His first guest George Best spends the entire show under a table in the pub next door. 

April: John Major announces Poll Tax reforms. Friends and relatives of Cabinet ministers are all exempt, but OAPs, blind people, single parents and people with more than one vowel in their name will pay an extra 10%. Sky TV merges with Anglia TV. The M1-A1 link road is delayed for three months when stray cattle sit on the eastbound carriageway at Cranford

May: US president George Bush tells Saddam Hussein he is “Goddam angry” about plans to limit the Isle of Wight ferry to Iraqi traffic only. Immediately petrol goes up to £4.25 a gallon. The Poppies finally win promotion to the Football League by one point, despite their last 10 matches ending in 0-0 draws. Gazza’s TV show is axed after viewers complain they can’t understand a word he says. 

 

SADDAM - appears on Wogan!

 

June: The pop world is rocked by revelations that Jason Donovan’s voice was used on all Kylie Minogue’s records and vice-versa. Edward Heath sets sail for Shanklin in Morning Cloud. Phil Collins takes over from Dennis Waterman in the latest Minder series. Gazza is voted Footballer of the Year, but quits Spurs to star in his own West End show. It closes after one night when he sings his new single "The Crying Game." 

July: Saddam Hussein appears on Wogan. The new Bruce Willis film "Die, for Heaven’s sake, Die!" breaks all box office records. The M1-A1 link is delayed until 1994 after the first rain since Easter. The Gazza Show opens on Broadway, but the theatre is mysteriously burnt down. Gazza bursts into tears. 

 

GAZZA - more tears!

 

August: Phil Collins, Eric Clapton and Mark Knopfler star in a global charity concert to help Sting’s campaign to settle Brazil’s national debt. It is screened live on Sky TV in an exclusive deal with BBC Wales, following their recent merger. Liverpool sign Gazza for £15 million, but he bursts into tears when he can’t get into the team. 

September: Bill Wyman’s new girlfriend cuts her first tooth. The M1-A1 link is delayed until the end of the century because previous delays have been delayed again. The Needles peace talks begin with one of Saddam Hussein’s lookalikes. Sky TV merges with the Skegness & Wainfleet Broadcasting Corporation and signs Mrs Thatcher as a breakfast show presenter. Her first guest is Gazza. 

 

 

MAJOR - the invisible man!

October: Saddam Hussein agrees to leave the Isle of Wight in exchange for a job with CBS. John Major makes his first public appearance since announcing the Poll Tax reforms, but nobody recognises him. Madonna’s video for her new single “Beat Me Harder (Baby)” is banned for showing scenes of naked nuns being spanked by Nazis. 

November: Britain grinds to a halt after a five-minute blizzard. Bill Wyman’s new girlfriend gets measles. Poll Tax protesters set fire to 10 Downing Street, but the PM had popped next door to borrow some milk. Disney sign the rights to a multi-million pound feature-length cartoon called Gazza. The M1-A1 link is finally abandoned through loss of interest. 

December: Phil Collins stars in a new film biography of comedian Max Miller. Kung Fu Hamster mania sweeps the UK. Gazza’s Christmas rap record “Howay In A Manger” is pipped to the No 1 spot by Cliff Richard’s disco version of “Onward Christian Soldiers.” Smith on Saturday is committed to a lunatic asylum at last!

(This column was originally published in the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph on Saturday, 29 December, 1990. Photographs courtesy of Spitting Image).