Trust me - I'm not a doctor!
TRUST ME - I’M
NOT A DOCTOR!
IT WAS a day like any other day. I woke up feeling a little under the weather or what used to be described at my school as suffering from a ‘general malaise.’
In my experience that Monday Morning Feeling can often last until the weekend or well into the next week. A colleague informed me there was a lot of it about, but since neither of us knew was ‘it’ was, this diagnosis was less than helpful.
No doubt if I’d been inclined to queue up at the doctors, I would have learned I was suffering from a ‘mystery virus.’ This is a widely-used medical term which usually means “I haven’t got a clue what’s wrong with you or how to treat it, so kindly shove off and stop wasting my time.”
HEALTHY DISRESPECT
Of course, if he’s really baffled (or fears a lawsuit), he may refer you to a specialist, in which case your personal details will be sealed in a time capsule and buried beneath the surgery floorboards for the next year or so.
Those readers who are not several vouchers short of a pop-up toaster may have surmised by now that I have a healthy disrespect for the medical profession. In my opinion, while there may be poor doctors, it’s almost impossible to find a doctor who is poor.
Most medics seem to prescribe drugs (of which they know little) to cure diseases (of which they know even less) for human beings (of whom they know nothing).
SEDATIVES
I was once pumped with sedatives for two weeks to cure neuralgia, which turned out to be toothache. And regular readers of this column will know that last year it took nine days - and three different doctors - to stop an amazing attack of hiccups!
I’m convinced most GPs only become doctors because they figure there are too many people in the world or they have an unusual fondness for double-parking.
I reckon I’d make a great doctor - I can drive a big car (no problem) and I have the handwriting for it (did you hear about the doctor who failed as a kidnapper because nobody could read the ransom note?).
To be fair, great medical progress has been achieved in recent years. What used to be an itch is now an allergy and I hear they’ve now invented a remedy that cures a disease for which there is no known sickness.
But while medical science says whisky can’t cure the common cold, neither can medical science. I’m sick of taking four-way cold capsules and then discovering I have a five-way cold.
HEAD COLD
It seems crazy to me that in this day and age, the only guaranteed way to prevent a head cold spreading to your chest is to tie a knot in your neck. And you spend so long in waiting rooms nowadays that you can catch three other diseases before you even see your GP!
So if you really want to have a check-up, by all means consult your family doc - you’ll never live to regret it. But if you want to keep the doctor away, forget that apple-a-day nonsense. I’ve always found a raw onion or garlic bread to be just as effective...
(This column was originally published in the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph on Saturday, 29 September, 1990)
Haha, love this for so many reasons and as always, I appreciate your humour. :)
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